The MAMnium

MAMPAM hasn't really figured during the London 2012 MAMPAM Olympics* so far. Well, we would not want to steal Lord Coe's thunder, would we? Everybody knows that MAMPAM is the world's premier gathering of athletes, where the sipping of red wine (never glug a lovely wine, I always say), freestyle wrestling contests and marathon Monster Munch eating contests are at the forefront of the games.

With the final few days of the Olympics bearing down of us, MAMPAM is set to make a glorious return to form. MAMPAM has suffered a lot of setbacks in recent times: girls, hedgehogs, good films, politeness and Alex falling asleep on the sofa, but let's get MAMPAM back it's bite.

Gentlemen and gentlemen, I present to you: the MAMnium.

For those not aware, the Omnium is a track cycling event consisting of six different events. The rider with the lowest points total is then declared the winner. Here is a little slice of action from the Omnium Elimination race at this year's CyclingWorld Championships in Melbourne.

Since wrecking MAMPAM HQ has been prohibited since Margaret the Hedgehog moved in, actual cycling is not practical.

So,I can hear you screaming: "which events make up the MAMnium, Dan?" Scream no more! I have prepared everything.

MAMnium Event #1: The MAMpub Quiz.
MAMmers and PAMmers are divided into two teams by drawing lots, and each team must answer the QUIZ QUESTIONS. I will provide them but will not look at the answers. That would constitute CHEATING. Which is not allowed. The members of the victorious team will then face off against each other. The winner gains 4 point, second place 3 points, third place 2, and last gets a point.

MAMnium Event #2: The Hot Tabasco Challenge
MAMmers and PAMmers are invited to take a spoonful of Tabasco sauce. But, what size spoon? Will it be a smidgen (difficulty rating of 1 point); a pinch (difficulty rating of 2); or a dash (difficulty rating of 3)? The judges then give the taster a rating for execution. Coolness under fire, style and flair can be considered when doling out points. Up to four execution points can be awarded by each judge, with 4 being the best score, and 1 being the lowest. The average score is then added to the difficulty rating, and added to the contestant's score.

MAMnium Event #3: Hunt The Bugle
Jon has hidden his bugle. But where has he hidden it? MAMmers and PAMmers must find the blessed instrument and blow it to signal their success. Who can find and blow it the quickest? The MAMmer with the quickest time gets four points, the slowest PAMmer gets a point.

MAMnium Event #4: The MAMPAM Filmfest
The films lately have been far too good for MAMPAM. Grizzly Man, anyone? Great film, but steady on there. Sometimes, there hasn't even been a film at all; Spain vs Ireland, anyone? What a fucking disgrace. But there are two films coming to this MAMPAM. Two films which are so ball-crushingly awful, so shit-smearingly bad, so upsetting, so warped, so Ben-smashingly unbearable, that they might, just might, restore balance to MAMPAM. Ten points are awarded for each MAMmer who can make it through both films.

What does the winner of the MAMnium win? Hell, that you had to even ask makes me question why you're doing this. You don't do this for the money, or the fame, or the women. you do it because MAMPAM will destroy you if you don't.

Enough talk! Red wine, cider, Monster Munch, Tabasco, pizza, two excruciating films, Jon, Alex, Ben, Dan, Margaret, and some freeze dried worms. What more could you want?

Bring on next Thursday!

*MAMPAM is not an official sponsor of the Olympics^.
^But it is really.